Islamabad, 22 Feb. (AKI/DAWN) - A cleric in a northern Pakistani village has opposed a foreign-funded polio vaccination campaign of the Pakistan government, urging locals not to take any preventive measures against polio "as those killed during an outbreak are martyrs". "I must tell my brothers and sisters that finding a cure (vaccination) for an epidemic before its outbreak is not allowed in Sharia ," said Maulana Fazlullah during a Friday sermon in Mam Dherai village where he is building a madrassa with local funds.
“According to Sharia, one should avoid going to the areas where an epidemic has broken out, but those who do go to such areas and get killed during an outbreak are martyrs,” he said. The provincial government has launched an anti-polio campaign to run between February 20 and 22 in selected parts of the province, but there have been reports of people refusing to get their children vaccinated.
Sermons like this are influencing people into refusing polio vaccination in many parts of the NWFP. Like Nigeria, Pakistan is another country where clergy is blocking efforts aimed at eliminating fatal diseases like polio. Cases of people misbehaving with polio vaccination staff have been reported from several areas. Recently, a surgeon, Dr Ghani Khan, was killed in a bomb blast in remote Bajaur Agency, causing postponement of the anti-polio campaign, official sources said.
Swat is one area where polio staff is facing resistance, said an official, adding that deeply religious people often resisted things involving foreigners.
Maulana Fazlullah suspects the intentions of foreign agencies involved in funding drives against fatal diseases: “I don’t understand why foreigners would think of our well-being when we see that they are killing Muslims in Afghanistan and Iraq.” He cited the example of a companion of the Prophet who, he said, was ‘martyred’ during an epidemic.
Maulana Fazlullah - who is the son-in-law of Maulana Sufi Mohammad, leader of the defunct Tehreek-i-Nifaz-i-Shariat Mohammadi which sought to have Sharia law replace civilian law -- has gained popularity in the villages and hamlets of the Swat province due to his religious teachings transmitted through an illegal FM radio station. His Friday open air sermons attracted large crowds.
The health department also holds clergy responsible for the refusal of the people to get their children immunised against polio in some districts of the NWFP. Last year, 15 polio cases were reported in the NWFP -- seven belonging to the tribal agencies and eight to the settled areas, officials said, adding that in 2007, a 10-month-old was detected with the polio virus in Nowshera.
“The propaganda of the clergy is causing more and more people in Swat, Bajaur, Lakki Marwat and Momand agency to refuse polio drops for their children,” said an official of the Expanded Programme for Immunisation (EPI) run by the NWFP Health Department. In the wake of the killing of surgeon Ghani Khan in Bajaur, the polio staff, mostly comprising locals, had refused to go ahead with the anti-polio campaign in the agency, sources said.
Confirming the postponement of the anti-polio drive, an official said the government was faced with multiple obstacles like staff security, inaccessible areas and presence of large number of Afghan refugees.
“Most of the eight people, detected with the polio virus in the settled areas, were of Afghan origin,” official said.
(Aki/DAWN)
Source
Sunday, February 25, 2007
Palestinians are not hungry
Because of the increase of supply and lack of demand : the drop in prices of vegetables in the market to a central Jericho Dennie level
التاريخ : 25 / 02 / 2007 الساعة : 17:10Date : 25 / 02 / 2007 at : 17:10
Jericho-together - prices of vegetables in a market Jericho the central (hisba) to the lowest levels. there was a surplus of agricultural products in the market, the lack of demand from local traders, or those so inclined n to Jericho from inside the Green Line.
The price of the fund Alkosa, tomatoes and Venus to S. Chuakl circulation, while the rate exceeds these items weeks before the 70th shekels.
As the price of the option and eggplant to five p evil shekels.
It demands that farmers in the governorate of Jericho and the Ministry of Agriculture opening new markets in foreign markets to products charges against every year due to losses Baher Ziad e surplus on the local market needs.
Source
Automatic translation from arabic by Google Language Tools
التاريخ : 25 / 02 / 2007 الساعة : 17:10Date : 25 / 02 / 2007 at : 17:10
Jericho-together - prices of vegetables in a market Jericho the central (hisba) to the lowest levels. there was a surplus of agricultural products in the market, the lack of demand from local traders, or those so inclined n to Jericho from inside the Green Line.
The price of the fund Alkosa, tomatoes and Venus to S. Chuakl circulation, while the rate exceeds these items weeks before the 70th shekels.
As the price of the option and eggplant to five p evil shekels.
It demands that farmers in the governorate of Jericho and the Ministry of Agriculture opening new markets in foreign markets to products charges against every year due to losses Baher Ziad e surplus on the local market needs.
Source
Automatic translation from arabic by Google Language Tools
Russian fishermen catch squeaking alien and eat it
Village residents from the Rostov region of Russia caught a weird creature two weeks ago after a strong storm in the Sea of Azov. The shark-looking creature was producing strange squeaky sounds. The fishermen originally believed that they had caught an alien and decided to film the monster with the help of a cell phone camera. The footage clearly shows the creatures’ head, body and long tail. The bizarre catch was weighing almost 100 kilograms, the Komsomolskaya Pravda reports.
However, ufologists and scientists were greatly disappointed when they found out that the fishermen had eaten the monster. They said that they were not scared of the creature so they decided to use it as food. One of the men said that it was the most delicious dish he had ever eaten.
Click here to see the video of the alien sea monster
Chairman of the Anomalous Phenomena Service, Andrei Gorodovoi, stated that the creature, which he could see on the short video, was an anomalous being. However, it could hardly be described as an extraterrestrial form of life, he added. Gorodovoi rejected the version about mermaids too. “There are many legends about mermaids living in the Sea of Azov. Nevertheless, specialists of the Service for Anomalous Phenomena have never confirmed those fairytales. On the other hand, we do not deny the possibility of other forms of life in the Sea of Azov,” the ufologist sad.
A spokesman for the Rostov-based zoo, Alexander Lipkovich, contacted local ichthyologists and asked their opinion about the Azov alien. “They said that the fish bears resemblance to a sturgeon. It was an extremely interesting individual. I have never seen anything like this before in my whole life,” the specialist said.
Translated by Dmitry Sudakov
Pravda.ru
Source
However, ufologists and scientists were greatly disappointed when they found out that the fishermen had eaten the monster. They said that they were not scared of the creature so they decided to use it as food. One of the men said that it was the most delicious dish he had ever eaten.
Click here to see the video of the alien sea monster
Chairman of the Anomalous Phenomena Service, Andrei Gorodovoi, stated that the creature, which he could see on the short video, was an anomalous being. However, it could hardly be described as an extraterrestrial form of life, he added. Gorodovoi rejected the version about mermaids too. “There are many legends about mermaids living in the Sea of Azov. Nevertheless, specialists of the Service for Anomalous Phenomena have never confirmed those fairytales. On the other hand, we do not deny the possibility of other forms of life in the Sea of Azov,” the ufologist sad.
A spokesman for the Rostov-based zoo, Alexander Lipkovich, contacted local ichthyologists and asked their opinion about the Azov alien. “They said that the fish bears resemblance to a sturgeon. It was an extremely interesting individual. I have never seen anything like this before in my whole life,” the specialist said.
Translated by Dmitry Sudakov
Pravda.ru
Source
Stop global warming - Kill all cows!
According to recent reports that spankin', new Yukon adorning your driveway may not be the main culprit in the oft reported global warming phenomenon. More likely, it's the pig on your plate. That's right, the real perpetrators of greenhouse gas emissions are of the bovine variety. A large percentage of the world's total greenhouse gas emissions are actually caused by farting farm animals and stacks of cow poop. Go ahead, you can still take delivery of that custom Prius you ordered, it couldn't hurt, just don't swing through the drive through for a Big Mac on the way home.
According to the U.S. Government's Energy Information Administration (they have administrations for everything) 2005 report “Emissions of Greenhouse Gases in the United States 2004”, the transportation sector in the U.S. produced 2,000 million metric tons CO2 equivalent (MMTCO2e) of greenhouse gas emissions. According to a new report Food and Agriculture Organization of the United Nations, agriculture is responsible for 18% of worldwide greenhouse gas emissions. However, in the U.S. agricultural emissions of methane and nitrous oxide, the two main greenhouse gas components of agriculture, amounted to only about 232 MMTCO2e in 2004. That's only 11.6% of the transportation total, and 3.2% of total emissions. Do we just have cleaner cows than the rest of the world?
Sadly, no, our cows are just as stinky as everyone else's. More likely is that we have more cars than cows, a situation not found in much of the rest of the world. As the rest of the world struggles to emulate our economic success, and pull it's people from the poverty that's enslaved them since the dawn of time, two things occur. One, they want to ride, rather than walk. Second, they want a nice burger. You guessed it, that makes for Chevy dealerships and McDonald's restaurants springing up around the world like 'shrooms after a spring rain.
When people are prosperous, much to the chagrin of the PITA crowd, they acquire a taste for beef. When they're poor, they eat more chicken, a foodstuff that's less greenhouse gas intensive to breed, raise and keep than cattle. According to the FAO report, per capita meat consumption in developing countries has tripled in the last 30 years, although it's still barely a third of that in developed nations. Developed nations however, are increasing their meat consumption at a vastly slower rate. The increase in the same time period only amounted to 18%.
Increasing prosperity is moving the world to increase greenhouse gas emissions. This is occurring at a greater rate in the developing world. Although the U.S. still leads the world in total greenhouse gas emissions, our output of gases as a percentage of our GDP is actually falling as we switch from a manufacturing to an information economy. As manufacturing capacity is increasingly moved from developed nations, such as the U.S., to third world and Asian countries, green house gas emissions move with them. Concurrently, citizens of developing nations have found the joys of zipping down the road in air conditioned comfort and are increasingly able to afford it.
This must be stopped at once! If the poor people in these other nations get a taste of the prosperity we've enjoyed for years, who knows where it will all lead. They too will be driving to Burger King with their A/C on “MAX” to combat the sweltering heat and humidity. We can't allow that to happen, can we, lest their prosperity and subsequent greenhouse gas emissions spell the end for us all. Unless we want a taste of the sweltering heat and humidity they struggle with on a daily basis, we've got to clam down on world wide economic growth. Do we want citizens of other nations to drive Escalades and live in McMansions? I say “NO!”
Source
According to the U.S. Government's Energy Information Administration (they have administrations for everything) 2005 report “Emissions of Greenhouse Gases in the United States 2004”, the transportation sector in the U.S. produced 2,000 million metric tons CO2 equivalent (MMTCO2e) of greenhouse gas emissions. According to a new report Food and Agriculture Organization of the United Nations, agriculture is responsible for 18% of worldwide greenhouse gas emissions. However, in the U.S. agricultural emissions of methane and nitrous oxide, the two main greenhouse gas components of agriculture, amounted to only about 232 MMTCO2e in 2004. That's only 11.6% of the transportation total, and 3.2% of total emissions. Do we just have cleaner cows than the rest of the world?
Sadly, no, our cows are just as stinky as everyone else's. More likely is that we have more cars than cows, a situation not found in much of the rest of the world. As the rest of the world struggles to emulate our economic success, and pull it's people from the poverty that's enslaved them since the dawn of time, two things occur. One, they want to ride, rather than walk. Second, they want a nice burger. You guessed it, that makes for Chevy dealerships and McDonald's restaurants springing up around the world like 'shrooms after a spring rain.
When people are prosperous, much to the chagrin of the PITA crowd, they acquire a taste for beef. When they're poor, they eat more chicken, a foodstuff that's less greenhouse gas intensive to breed, raise and keep than cattle. According to the FAO report, per capita meat consumption in developing countries has tripled in the last 30 years, although it's still barely a third of that in developed nations. Developed nations however, are increasing their meat consumption at a vastly slower rate. The increase in the same time period only amounted to 18%.
Increasing prosperity is moving the world to increase greenhouse gas emissions. This is occurring at a greater rate in the developing world. Although the U.S. still leads the world in total greenhouse gas emissions, our output of gases as a percentage of our GDP is actually falling as we switch from a manufacturing to an information economy. As manufacturing capacity is increasingly moved from developed nations, such as the U.S., to third world and Asian countries, green house gas emissions move with them. Concurrently, citizens of developing nations have found the joys of zipping down the road in air conditioned comfort and are increasingly able to afford it.
This must be stopped at once! If the poor people in these other nations get a taste of the prosperity we've enjoyed for years, who knows where it will all lead. They too will be driving to Burger King with their A/C on “MAX” to combat the sweltering heat and humidity. We can't allow that to happen, can we, lest their prosperity and subsequent greenhouse gas emissions spell the end for us all. Unless we want a taste of the sweltering heat and humidity they struggle with on a daily basis, we've got to clam down on world wide economic growth. Do we want citizens of other nations to drive Escalades and live in McMansions? I say “NO!”
Source
France Urges Diplomacy For Earth-Threatening Asteroid
The news that an asteroid will pass close to Earth in 2036 prompted a group of scientists to recommend Saturday that the United Nations arrange an international space mission to deflect the threatening space rock.
France, however, immediately issued a statement urging restraint against “a seemingly lovely space rock we know nothing about,” and claimed that the United States was behind the call to take agressive action.
“Once again, the United States is rattling sabers when diplomacy hasn’t had a chance to work,” said French spokesman Serge Betain. “We must use the United Nations to convince the world that what we think is a life-threatening boulder hurtling through space may actually be a peaceful mission from a far away planet.”
The French offered an alternative plan that calls for efforts to communicate with the asteroid via 24 hour broadcasting of a radio signal into space. Against a back drop of Enya music, French actor Gerard Depardieu will apologize to the asteroid that the Earth is in its path and ask what the two celestial bodies can do together to avoid a catastrophe.
Betain went on to slam the world for what he called “blatant Earth-centric thinking.”
“When you think about it, exactly who is in whose path? Have we considered the point of view of the asteroid? Perhaps, as we speak, they are scurrying around planning to divert us. How does that feel?”
Source
France, however, immediately issued a statement urging restraint against “a seemingly lovely space rock we know nothing about,” and claimed that the United States was behind the call to take agressive action.
“Once again, the United States is rattling sabers when diplomacy hasn’t had a chance to work,” said French spokesman Serge Betain. “We must use the United Nations to convince the world that what we think is a life-threatening boulder hurtling through space may actually be a peaceful mission from a far away planet.”
The French offered an alternative plan that calls for efforts to communicate with the asteroid via 24 hour broadcasting of a radio signal into space. Against a back drop of Enya music, French actor Gerard Depardieu will apologize to the asteroid that the Earth is in its path and ask what the two celestial bodies can do together to avoid a catastrophe.
Betain went on to slam the world for what he called “blatant Earth-centric thinking.”
“When you think about it, exactly who is in whose path? Have we considered the point of view of the asteroid? Perhaps, as we speak, they are scurrying around planning to divert us. How does that feel?”
Source
College Profs Denounce Western Culture, Move to Caves
Cambridge, MA - Two years ago this month, Alan Lowenstein, associate professor of philosophy at Harvard University, came to a fateful conclusion. "I suddenly realized that the oppression of western technology extended to my own life," he explained. "That's when I got rid of my computer, threw away my Brooks Brothers suits, changed my name to Grok and moved into a cave."
A passionate critic of Euro-American "linear thought," Grok is one of a growing number of college professors around the nation who have relocated to caves, mud huts and makeshift sweat lodges to demonstrate their disdain for western culture and technology. For Grok, 44, the move to a cave was a natural step in his intellectual progression.
"My dissertation at Columbia integrated the seminal works of Jacques Lacan, Derrida, and Michel Foucault," said Grok, referring to the influential French deconstructionist philosophers. "I was able to prove, conclusively, that conclusiveness is not conclusive."
The 1983 dissertation, entitled "Beyond the (Dis)Integration of Post-Modern Post-Toasties Pair 'o Dimes and Paradigms: Look at How Clever I Am," created a stir in academic circles and landed Lowenstein a prestigious teaching position at Harvard. From there, he honed his cutting-edge research.
"I began to deconstruct everything I could get my hands on," said Grok. "The Old Testament, Shakespeare, Dick and Jane, the 1967 Sears catalog, the Boston phone book, you name it. I showed how everything is a lie, that everything could be deconstructed. Except Deconstruction, of course."
When he earned tenure in 1991, Grok decided to broaden his philosophical research. "I realized that deconstructing literature was overly limiting. It was clear that other fields of inquiry could benefit from deconstruction."
It was then that Grok published a series of influential articles in which he deconstructed the sciences. "I initially showed that the so-called 'scientific method,' so treasured by the self-appointed high priests of science, was nothing but a bizarre ritual of the industrialist phallocracy," said Grok. "From there, it was a short intellectual leap to disprove the reality of the periodic tables, gravity and algebra."
The Awakening
Despite being elected chairman of the Philosophy Department in 1995, Grok felt an intellectual void. "I needed some way to explain why literature and science were so bad, so putrid, so incredibly vile," said Grok. "That's when it dawned on me. They were the products of western culture."
The shocking realization lead Grok to a new stream of research that unveiled the oppressive nature of western civilization. He immersed himself in the writings of third world revolutionaries Franz Fanon, Rigoberta Menchu and Maxine Waters. With CUNY professor Leonard Jeffries, he documented NASA's theft of earth-orbiting satellites from the K!ung bushmen of sub-Saharan Africa.
"This stream of research completely obliterated the smiling mask of oppressive western cultural hegemony," said Grok, proudly. "Plus, I got a fat merit raise out of it."
Strangely ill at ease, Grok was about to have an epiphany. "It was at the Modern Language Association meeting in Chicago in '97," he explained. "I was chairing a session on the link between Malibu Barbie dolls and the Guatemalan counterinsurgency movement. Then it occurred to me. Here we were, complaining about western science and culture, using animated Power Point slide presentations. At the Four Seasons, no less. It was just a tad hypocritical."
The scene caused Grok to re-examine his own life. "I realized then that I, too, was a victim of white male Eurocentric western culture. My brainwashing was so complete, so insidious, it took forty-two years to discover it," he said.
"I think it all goes back to that Stingray bike I got in fifth grade," added Grok, who grew up in affluent suburban Winnetka, Illinois. "Like other victims, I became fixated on material things. I shudder to think of that time, before graduate school, when I considered getting a job."
After the conference, Grok vowed to eliminate the trappings of western culture in his own life. First to go were his personal computer, his BMW sedan, his fashionable Back Bay apartment, and his expensive wardrobe. They were replaced by a typewriter, a bicycle, a phone-free studio apartment and secondhand clothes.
To his chagrin, Grok realized that the replacement technologies were also contaminated by western culture. "The wheels on the bicycle, for example," noted Grok. "Only western civilization would be as arrogant to speak of 'perfect' circles."
Grok said that each of his attempts to replace western technology brought more frustration. "Last year, when I was hunkered over the heating grate in my cardboard box, I realized I was merely a pawn of western industrialists. They're trying to seduce and entrap the developing world with their addictive steam and cardboard technology."
A Simple Plan
Over the last year, Grok continued to cleanse his personal life of western culture and technology. While he is "not quite there yet," he said he is finally happy in his 8' by 4' by 4' dirt cave along the banks of the Charles River.
"Finally, I have broken the cycle of oppression," he said, violently hacking up a thick clot of blood-streaked mucus. He refused an offer to contact medical assistance. Noting that "western medicine is merely a front for the hegemonic pharmaceutical industry," Grok applied another leech to his chest.
"Like the indigenous peoples, I have everything I need here," said Grok. "Especially stray dogs."
Like the prairie bison to the Lakota Sioux, stray dogs are an important source of hides, meat and milk for Grok. A committed animal rights activist, he does not skin or eat the dogs until they have died of natural causes.
Grok said his simplified, non-western lifestyle has made him a more spiritual man. "Each day, I pray to the dog god for more stray dogs," he said. He has even sculpted a totem of the dog god, made entirely of dried dog excrement. He considered cave paintings of the dog god, but rejected the idea as "too European."
Paradigm Shift
Grok's dramatic commitment to western technology-free living has inspired others in the academic community. One convert is Eegah, chairperson of the department of gender studies at the University of Michigan, who now lives in a creek bed outside Ann Arbor.
"There is something very liberating, very empowering about abandoning phallocentric culture," said Eegah, who was until recently known as Katherine Robinson. "Cave dwelling authenticates our visceral experience, releasing us from the bond of western patriarchal oppression."
As an example, Eegah noted that she is no longer dependent on money. "I have adopted the traditional barter system of non-western, matriarchal societies. I get all the furs and meat I need by having sex with hobos."
Eegah said that non-western living has other advantages. "I am liberated from western notions of female beauty. No longer do I have to shave my armpits, bathe, or see the dentist," said Eegah, noting that she has lost fewer than ten teeth since 'going non-western' in 1996.
Duke University english professor Mognuk, formerly known as Phillip Turner, tried to bring his own commitment to non-western thought directly into the classroom - or in his case, classcave. Instead of using the department Xerox machine to print syllabi and exams, Mognuk painstakingly copied each, by hand, onto tree bark using frog blood for ink. The process is made more difficult by the lack of daylight before spring semester.
"The Xerox machine is an avatar of the sterility and conformity of European-based civilization," explained Mognuk, stroking his mud-encrusted beard. "And it is full of evil spirits."
Kristin Hawley, Duke sophomore and a student in Mognuk's popular class, E2605 - Fire Bad, said the unconventional course has opened her eyes to the evils of western hegemony. "Before this course, I had always assumed that Fire Good," said Hawley. "It wasn't really my fault, I was simply parroting the western culture propaganda. You know, 'Fire Good, Fire Good.'"
"Because of Professor Mognuk, I now know that Fire Bad - Fire Very Bad," added Hawley. "I finally feel my parents are getting something out of that $30,000 of tuition money."
More Research Needed
Back in his Cambridge cave, Grok was stirred from his sleep by the blaring horns of taxis on Massachusetts Avenue. It was a bitterly cold January morning, and he insulated himself by slathering his skin with a thick slab of dog lard and wrapping himself in extra dogskins. Struggling to clear the snow blocking the cave entrance, Grok emerged squinting against the bright sunlight as it reflected off the snow and the Boston skyscrapers.
"What a beautiful morning," said Grok. "A tragedy it's spoiled by all the hateful western technology." He will spend the next hour foraging for a breakfast of nuts and tree bark in the shadows of Boston's skyline, with little success.
Hungry and discouraged, Grok attempts to mug a passing jogger by jumping on his back. However, at 5'6", 123 pounds and weakened by spasmodic coughing, he posed little threat. Taking pity, the jogger offered Grok a granola bar, which he hungrily accepted.
"I know it's processed food," said Grok apologetically. "But I used force to take it from my oppressor. My research shows that this is a legitimate, non-western method of wealth redistribution."
Clearing the snow from his makeshift twig sundial, Grok noted the time. "Damn," he exclaimed. "I'm late for my lecture." He hobbled off to class wearing Wonderbread wrappers on his feet, one of his few remaining concessions to western technology.
While it has been tough at times, Grok said he has no regrets. "Western culture is a cancer, and I'm committed to wiping it out. Plus, the whole cave-dwelling thing should help with my promotion case and journal articles."
Meanwhile, Grok said he plans one more fling with western technology.
"I'm taking a plane to Washington next week," said Grok. "I'm getting some sort of award for my deconstructing of the word 'is.'"
Source
A passionate critic of Euro-American "linear thought," Grok is one of a growing number of college professors around the nation who have relocated to caves, mud huts and makeshift sweat lodges to demonstrate their disdain for western culture and technology. For Grok, 44, the move to a cave was a natural step in his intellectual progression.
"My dissertation at Columbia integrated the seminal works of Jacques Lacan, Derrida, and Michel Foucault," said Grok, referring to the influential French deconstructionist philosophers. "I was able to prove, conclusively, that conclusiveness is not conclusive."
The 1983 dissertation, entitled "Beyond the (Dis)Integration of Post-Modern Post-Toasties Pair 'o Dimes and Paradigms: Look at How Clever I Am," created a stir in academic circles and landed Lowenstein a prestigious teaching position at Harvard. From there, he honed his cutting-edge research.
"I began to deconstruct everything I could get my hands on," said Grok. "The Old Testament, Shakespeare, Dick and Jane, the 1967 Sears catalog, the Boston phone book, you name it. I showed how everything is a lie, that everything could be deconstructed. Except Deconstruction, of course."
When he earned tenure in 1991, Grok decided to broaden his philosophical research. "I realized that deconstructing literature was overly limiting. It was clear that other fields of inquiry could benefit from deconstruction."
It was then that Grok published a series of influential articles in which he deconstructed the sciences. "I initially showed that the so-called 'scientific method,' so treasured by the self-appointed high priests of science, was nothing but a bizarre ritual of the industrialist phallocracy," said Grok. "From there, it was a short intellectual leap to disprove the reality of the periodic tables, gravity and algebra."
The Awakening
Despite being elected chairman of the Philosophy Department in 1995, Grok felt an intellectual void. "I needed some way to explain why literature and science were so bad, so putrid, so incredibly vile," said Grok. "That's when it dawned on me. They were the products of western culture."
The shocking realization lead Grok to a new stream of research that unveiled the oppressive nature of western civilization. He immersed himself in the writings of third world revolutionaries Franz Fanon, Rigoberta Menchu and Maxine Waters. With CUNY professor Leonard Jeffries, he documented NASA's theft of earth-orbiting satellites from the K!ung bushmen of sub-Saharan Africa.
"This stream of research completely obliterated the smiling mask of oppressive western cultural hegemony," said Grok, proudly. "Plus, I got a fat merit raise out of it."
Strangely ill at ease, Grok was about to have an epiphany. "It was at the Modern Language Association meeting in Chicago in '97," he explained. "I was chairing a session on the link between Malibu Barbie dolls and the Guatemalan counterinsurgency movement. Then it occurred to me. Here we were, complaining about western science and culture, using animated Power Point slide presentations. At the Four Seasons, no less. It was just a tad hypocritical."
The scene caused Grok to re-examine his own life. "I realized then that I, too, was a victim of white male Eurocentric western culture. My brainwashing was so complete, so insidious, it took forty-two years to discover it," he said.
"I think it all goes back to that Stingray bike I got in fifth grade," added Grok, who grew up in affluent suburban Winnetka, Illinois. "Like other victims, I became fixated on material things. I shudder to think of that time, before graduate school, when I considered getting a job."
After the conference, Grok vowed to eliminate the trappings of western culture in his own life. First to go were his personal computer, his BMW sedan, his fashionable Back Bay apartment, and his expensive wardrobe. They were replaced by a typewriter, a bicycle, a phone-free studio apartment and secondhand clothes.
To his chagrin, Grok realized that the replacement technologies were also contaminated by western culture. "The wheels on the bicycle, for example," noted Grok. "Only western civilization would be as arrogant to speak of 'perfect' circles."
Grok said that each of his attempts to replace western technology brought more frustration. "Last year, when I was hunkered over the heating grate in my cardboard box, I realized I was merely a pawn of western industrialists. They're trying to seduce and entrap the developing world with their addictive steam and cardboard technology."
A Simple Plan
Over the last year, Grok continued to cleanse his personal life of western culture and technology. While he is "not quite there yet," he said he is finally happy in his 8' by 4' by 4' dirt cave along the banks of the Charles River.
"Finally, I have broken the cycle of oppression," he said, violently hacking up a thick clot of blood-streaked mucus. He refused an offer to contact medical assistance. Noting that "western medicine is merely a front for the hegemonic pharmaceutical industry," Grok applied another leech to his chest.
"Like the indigenous peoples, I have everything I need here," said Grok. "Especially stray dogs."
Like the prairie bison to the Lakota Sioux, stray dogs are an important source of hides, meat and milk for Grok. A committed animal rights activist, he does not skin or eat the dogs until they have died of natural causes.
Grok said his simplified, non-western lifestyle has made him a more spiritual man. "Each day, I pray to the dog god for more stray dogs," he said. He has even sculpted a totem of the dog god, made entirely of dried dog excrement. He considered cave paintings of the dog god, but rejected the idea as "too European."
Paradigm Shift
Grok's dramatic commitment to western technology-free living has inspired others in the academic community. One convert is Eegah, chairperson of the department of gender studies at the University of Michigan, who now lives in a creek bed outside Ann Arbor.
"There is something very liberating, very empowering about abandoning phallocentric culture," said Eegah, who was until recently known as Katherine Robinson. "Cave dwelling authenticates our visceral experience, releasing us from the bond of western patriarchal oppression."
As an example, Eegah noted that she is no longer dependent on money. "I have adopted the traditional barter system of non-western, matriarchal societies. I get all the furs and meat I need by having sex with hobos."
Eegah said that non-western living has other advantages. "I am liberated from western notions of female beauty. No longer do I have to shave my armpits, bathe, or see the dentist," said Eegah, noting that she has lost fewer than ten teeth since 'going non-western' in 1996.
Duke University english professor Mognuk, formerly known as Phillip Turner, tried to bring his own commitment to non-western thought directly into the classroom - or in his case, classcave. Instead of using the department Xerox machine to print syllabi and exams, Mognuk painstakingly copied each, by hand, onto tree bark using frog blood for ink. The process is made more difficult by the lack of daylight before spring semester.
"The Xerox machine is an avatar of the sterility and conformity of European-based civilization," explained Mognuk, stroking his mud-encrusted beard. "And it is full of evil spirits."
Kristin Hawley, Duke sophomore and a student in Mognuk's popular class, E2605 - Fire Bad, said the unconventional course has opened her eyes to the evils of western hegemony. "Before this course, I had always assumed that Fire Good," said Hawley. "It wasn't really my fault, I was simply parroting the western culture propaganda. You know, 'Fire Good, Fire Good.'"
"Because of Professor Mognuk, I now know that Fire Bad - Fire Very Bad," added Hawley. "I finally feel my parents are getting something out of that $30,000 of tuition money."
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Back in his Cambridge cave, Grok was stirred from his sleep by the blaring horns of taxis on Massachusetts Avenue. It was a bitterly cold January morning, and he insulated himself by slathering his skin with a thick slab of dog lard and wrapping himself in extra dogskins. Struggling to clear the snow blocking the cave entrance, Grok emerged squinting against the bright sunlight as it reflected off the snow and the Boston skyscrapers.
"What a beautiful morning," said Grok. "A tragedy it's spoiled by all the hateful western technology." He will spend the next hour foraging for a breakfast of nuts and tree bark in the shadows of Boston's skyline, with little success.
Hungry and discouraged, Grok attempts to mug a passing jogger by jumping on his back. However, at 5'6", 123 pounds and weakened by spasmodic coughing, he posed little threat. Taking pity, the jogger offered Grok a granola bar, which he hungrily accepted.
"I know it's processed food," said Grok apologetically. "But I used force to take it from my oppressor. My research shows that this is a legitimate, non-western method of wealth redistribution."
Clearing the snow from his makeshift twig sundial, Grok noted the time. "Damn," he exclaimed. "I'm late for my lecture." He hobbled off to class wearing Wonderbread wrappers on his feet, one of his few remaining concessions to western technology.
While it has been tough at times, Grok said he has no regrets. "Western culture is a cancer, and I'm committed to wiping it out. Plus, the whole cave-dwelling thing should help with my promotion case and journal articles."
Meanwhile, Grok said he plans one more fling with western technology.
"I'm taking a plane to Washington next week," said Grok. "I'm getting some sort of award for my deconstructing of the word 'is.'"
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